"It does not do to dwell on dreams...and forget to live."

I am not a morning person. I cannot wake up early to finish a paper or study for a test. If the choice is between sleeping for twenty more minutes and breakfast, I choose sleep. More than that, I am exceptionally grumpy in the morning (really, really grumpy). As a matter of fact, when I shared an 8:00am class with my roommates in college (to which we walked together) my demeanor was so hostile that they were convinced I was personally upset with them. In all fairness I was personally upset- I took the early hour of my day very personally. I felt bad about this at the time (well…not at 7:45 in the morning but after I had been awake for a while), and it caused me to examine how extreme my hatred of early mornings had become. By now, I’ve learned to curb my frustration and annoyance at least so I don’t express it so unbecomingly and undeservedly to my friends or family. But I still don’t like getting up early. I like my sleep to much!

Our friendly U.S. Department of Health and Human Services put out a document that explains the types of sleep we experience, going on to make you delightfully paranoid that you might have a sleeping disorder. A lot of this we’ve learned in health classes throughout the years, but it highlights some important points I had forgotten (or was never told). When adults are given unlimited opportunity to sleep they sleep an average of 8 to 8.5 hours. This isn’t a hard and fast rule, but it fits the general understanding of how much sleep is enough. They also mentioned an interesting study where they tested the relationship between amount of sleep and length of life. They found that sleep is as vital as food for survival. Rats, who normally live 2 to 3 years, lived only 5 weeks when they were deprived of REM sleep and only 2-3 weeks when deprived of all sleep. It’s an understatement to say that sleep is important. Sleep is vital.

But is it possible to have too much sleep? The entire Department of Health document argued on behalf of sleep, always with the assumption that none of us get enough. All the sleep disorders given special mention are cases where the sufferer is unable to get sufficient rest or the right amount of time with certain sleep cycles. Narcolepsy is the only one that doesn’t fit this pattern, but even this disorder is understood to come about in persons who initially experience disturbed sleep. At different ages we require different amounts of sleep (another section in the pamphlet). But what would we say to an adult who physically can sleep more than his or her allotted 8.5 hours (if we’re being generous)?

We’d probably blame it on something else. Some “emotional complication”. And, from experience, I think that’s probably true. Once you’ve experienced depression, you never look on sleep the same way again. When I was in High School, I was booked to the max. I swam an average of 5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I was involved in my church youth group and took a total of 10 AP and International Baccalaureate classes. Needless to say, it wasn’t surprising that I was tired all the time. But my Junior year was different. There were “emotional complications” that made it a miracle I got all my homework done- given how much I slept. Since then, I’ve become wary of exhaustion. I look at it suspiciously, questioning why it’s there. As a result, after High School I rarely let myself get exhausted- by anything. I slept when I could, giving in at the slightest hint of a yawn. Of course I got my work done, did well, learned a lot, and created great and lasting friendships; but, I never wanted to see my old friend Exhaustion again.

Recently, though, I’ve experienced a renewed desire to be exhausted. Physically, you need some kind of tiring activity during the day to sleep at night. Yet, I think my pull was something more than that. When I’m lying in my bed in the morning, and I think about how lovely it would be to just lie there, half awake, on the verge of dreaming again- knowing that the dreams were so much better than what I envisioned that day bringing- words of a great wizard come to me. Albus Dumbledore advises Harry in the first of J.K. Rowling’s novels, “It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live.” It does not do to dwell on dreams because that’s what they will always stay- dreams. With reality and life there is a possibility that new things can come into being, new people can refresh us, new activities that can make us exhausted- in a good way. And the only way to do this is to wake up.

This week’s goal: begin each day at a decent hour (before 9:30am) and do one task that pushes me towards exhaustion- in a good way.

Update plan: Saturday to Friday, I will put the previous post’s “challenge” into practice. After taking it on, I will reflect on my experience, reporting honestly my success or failure. Then a new challenge will come on Saturday. All of this is in the hope that I can stick to the additional challenge of writing each week…

*To access the publication from the U.S. Department of Health mentioned in this post, please visit their website. 

The Challenge

Upon leaving graduate school, a friend of mine struggled with what we all face in concluding phases of higher education- where will all the books go? Admittedly, this might be a foreign struggle for you. Perhaps you find it easy to throw away college readers full of articles (let's admit) you'll never look at twice. Maybe you are reasonable enough to realize this. I, however, am not. In fact, seven such readers currently reside on my bookshelf at home. I want to keep them because the possibility that someday I might need to read that excerpt from Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan or review Adam Smith’s revelations about capitalism would haunt me- relentlessly. Books give me facts and give me insight into the human condition. Books are a visual representation of knowledge that (theoretically) I’ve accumulated. So, I keep them. This particular friend cried out for help and like-minded organizers (like myself) responded with sympathy. He then posed a challenge- make a list of the ways in which you seek to find create order in a world of chaos. This challenge was posed from one such order-maker to other order-makers. One INFJ to other INFJ's. 

To explain, these letters refer to the Myers-Briggs personality test and refer to a combination of traits in a specific type of personality. To read more about it look here, and I encourage anyone who hasn’t taken the test to do so. It’s very enlightening, but an important thing to remember is that this test is not meant to be determinative. It isn’t “This is who I am and am destined to be for eternity.” Habits can change, your life experience can shape you- YOU CAN CHANGE. And grow. It’s a process, and your personality is not a finished product. What the Myers-Briggs helps you do, though, is see that tendencies that may distance you from others or cause you to question yourself can be explained and come from a unique and essential part of who you are. It’s your window to the world and it’s good to understand where you’re coming from.

But, back to the challenge…

The cry of desperation for order didn't go unheard. Go ahead- chuckle. I would laugh- if I could. But since I am “one of those” I had to accept the challenge. I started considering what I would list- those weird quirks of organization that I’m convinced will make my life better. As my list began to grow I realized a disturbing pattern. If I could, I would schedule out every moment of every day. I would write down an eating schedule- not just when I would eat but what (and not in the quaint menu-planning way). I would know when I was watching TV and for how long; what books I have read and will read. And it went on like this. This challenge, however harmless this friend meant it to be, had revealed something to me I realized I had tried to deny for a while. Sure. I loved making “To-Do” lists, buying planners, color-coding school assignments- kid stuff. But I realized that I could do a lot more. I could go further than color-coded planners. I wanted to go further. But I haven’t. Why not?

I still make “To-Do” lists (and pretty comprehensive ones, if I do say so myself) and relish every opportunity to cross something off. But I don’t schedule out my day. I don’t even buy planners any more. I rely on my syllabi to remind me what my assignments are. I don’t color-code my notes or activities. I’ve shied away from so much of my J-ness. This J-ness, I should add, has less to do with the actual act of organizing or whether or not I have an aptitude for it. Rather, it’s more about how I behave and view the world. For the purposes of this blog and in an effort to be genuine I retook a shorter version of the Myers Briggs test (which you can take for free here). In full disclosure, I have since switched from INFJ to an ISFJ, a distinction that isn’t pressing at the moment (perhaps another time). In describing “J-ness” this site wrote that people with this trait seek to order and structure the world. They seek closure, organization, and stability. It’s more than list-making- it’s about seeking order where there is normally chaos.

So then why in the name of all that is stackable, sortable, and categorize-able have I stopped creating order? I love order so much that if I plan or schedule my days and weeks and they don’t follow that schedule (which is inevitably what happens) I get anxious. Nasty feelings of anxiety, anger, frustration, and resentfulness come up from nowhere. Things that should and do bring me joy- an unexpected visit from a friend, a last minute trip to a concert or show- cause my heart to race and my mind to fret and fuss, as my carefully crafted schedule comes apart at the seams.

So, I stopped. I stopped scheduling. I resist the urge to write out a carefully planned set of meals and TV watching schedule. The need for order breaks down in the face of anxiety. To avoid the nastiness of when the schedule breaks down, I don’t make a schedule at all. The upside: I’m more flexible. I can let things come in and out of my day, accepting that I will eventually get done what needs to get done. The downside: an essential part of who I am is being denied the security it so desires. I feel listless, without direction or purpose. To be perfectly honest, I am out of practice with discipline.

That is what has led me here. I have naively proclaimed that this will be my “Summer of Self-Discipline.” Each week, I want to tackle things I once handled with precision and care and rediscover what that precision looks like now. At the same time, I don’t want to forget the lessons I’ve learned in flexibility. There’s space for both order and chaos. That’s why I look on it as “self-discipline” rather than “self-order” or “self-organization.” It’s about determining how we can be refined, how we can change, and how we can grow. Not all the posts will be as long as this one (hooray!). And don’t worry- this isn’t a diary. That being said, it’s going to get personal (how can it not?). I’m just a J, living in a P’s world, looking for a way to live in the space in between. So please journey with me, talk with me, and challenge me.