Accepting the Unacceptable

Each year on our birthdays it became a tradition amongst my friends to name a “theme” for the year. A sentence, a word- anything. This year, I knew this was coming, so I tried to do some “prep work” (...blame the J...). There was one word that came to me over and over again- Acceptance. I declared this at breakfast when the expected question was posed to me. I meant it in a personal, reflective, “I’m just getting to know myself” kind of way. But, as God would have it, that morning I received notice of my acceptance to the Masters program at the University of Edinburgh. My theme had taken on literal dimensions- and sooner than expected. After I (graciously) accepted my acceptance I realized all the other ­accepting I would be doing in the months to come. Accepting that I wouldn’t drive a car for twelve months, or have access to a Target or worse still, a Trader Joe’s. Accepting that graduating meant the past three years were coming to an end. Accepting all the things I had done, and not done, in those three years. Accepting that I would no longer live in Princeton, with friends living fifty yards away. Accepting that I would be going into debt to pursue a very unstable future and an even more unclear dream. Most of all, accepting that I would be doing this on my own. It became clear that this theme was more fitting than I had imagined.

Now that I find myself back in the exciting and quirky medieval city that is Edinburgh, I have fallen into loving this country like never before. I love it like a second home, a place that is familiar yet surprising, all at once. It looks and feels different than it did at 20- but then, again, so do I. More acceptance. Acceptance that I am a changed person, no longer merely seeking adventure but experience. Acceptance that a place doesn’t make an experience worthwhile; rather, people do. More than that, I am becoming increasingly aware that I must accept more than my surroundings, my future, or the people who add color to both. I must accept myself. I must accept what is unacceptable.

Sure- I started this blog as a way to keep myself accountable for the change I wanted to see in my life. It can still be that, I think, but it won’t fit the mold I had made. But you know what- I accept that.