The Challenge

Upon leaving graduate school, a friend of mine struggled with what we all face in concluding phases of higher education- where will all the books go? Admittedly, this might be a foreign struggle for you. Perhaps you find it easy to throw away college readers full of articles (let's admit) you'll never look at twice. Maybe you are reasonable enough to realize this. I, however, am not. In fact, seven such readers currently reside on my bookshelf at home. I want to keep them because the possibility that someday I might need to read that excerpt from Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan or review Adam Smith’s revelations about capitalism would haunt me- relentlessly. Books give me facts and give me insight into the human condition. Books are a visual representation of knowledge that (theoretically) I’ve accumulated. So, I keep them. This particular friend cried out for help and like-minded organizers (like myself) responded with sympathy. He then posed a challenge- make a list of the ways in which you seek to find create order in a world of chaos. This challenge was posed from one such order-maker to other order-makers. One INFJ to other INFJ's. 

To explain, these letters refer to the Myers-Briggs personality test and refer to a combination of traits in a specific type of personality. To read more about it look here, and I encourage anyone who hasn’t taken the test to do so. It’s very enlightening, but an important thing to remember is that this test is not meant to be determinative. It isn’t “This is who I am and am destined to be for eternity.” Habits can change, your life experience can shape you- YOU CAN CHANGE. And grow. It’s a process, and your personality is not a finished product. What the Myers-Briggs helps you do, though, is see that tendencies that may distance you from others or cause you to question yourself can be explained and come from a unique and essential part of who you are. It’s your window to the world and it’s good to understand where you’re coming from.

But, back to the challenge…

The cry of desperation for order didn't go unheard. Go ahead- chuckle. I would laugh- if I could. But since I am “one of those” I had to accept the challenge. I started considering what I would list- those weird quirks of organization that I’m convinced will make my life better. As my list began to grow I realized a disturbing pattern. If I could, I would schedule out every moment of every day. I would write down an eating schedule- not just when I would eat but what (and not in the quaint menu-planning way). I would know when I was watching TV and for how long; what books I have read and will read. And it went on like this. This challenge, however harmless this friend meant it to be, had revealed something to me I realized I had tried to deny for a while. Sure. I loved making “To-Do” lists, buying planners, color-coding school assignments- kid stuff. But I realized that I could do a lot more. I could go further than color-coded planners. I wanted to go further. But I haven’t. Why not?

I still make “To-Do” lists (and pretty comprehensive ones, if I do say so myself) and relish every opportunity to cross something off. But I don’t schedule out my day. I don’t even buy planners any more. I rely on my syllabi to remind me what my assignments are. I don’t color-code my notes or activities. I’ve shied away from so much of my J-ness. This J-ness, I should add, has less to do with the actual act of organizing or whether or not I have an aptitude for it. Rather, it’s more about how I behave and view the world. For the purposes of this blog and in an effort to be genuine I retook a shorter version of the Myers Briggs test (which you can take for free here). In full disclosure, I have since switched from INFJ to an ISFJ, a distinction that isn’t pressing at the moment (perhaps another time). In describing “J-ness” this site wrote that people with this trait seek to order and structure the world. They seek closure, organization, and stability. It’s more than list-making- it’s about seeking order where there is normally chaos.

So then why in the name of all that is stackable, sortable, and categorize-able have I stopped creating order? I love order so much that if I plan or schedule my days and weeks and they don’t follow that schedule (which is inevitably what happens) I get anxious. Nasty feelings of anxiety, anger, frustration, and resentfulness come up from nowhere. Things that should and do bring me joy- an unexpected visit from a friend, a last minute trip to a concert or show- cause my heart to race and my mind to fret and fuss, as my carefully crafted schedule comes apart at the seams.

So, I stopped. I stopped scheduling. I resist the urge to write out a carefully planned set of meals and TV watching schedule. The need for order breaks down in the face of anxiety. To avoid the nastiness of when the schedule breaks down, I don’t make a schedule at all. The upside: I’m more flexible. I can let things come in and out of my day, accepting that I will eventually get done what needs to get done. The downside: an essential part of who I am is being denied the security it so desires. I feel listless, without direction or purpose. To be perfectly honest, I am out of practice with discipline.

That is what has led me here. I have naively proclaimed that this will be my “Summer of Self-Discipline.” Each week, I want to tackle things I once handled with precision and care and rediscover what that precision looks like now. At the same time, I don’t want to forget the lessons I’ve learned in flexibility. There’s space for both order and chaos. That’s why I look on it as “self-discipline” rather than “self-order” or “self-organization.” It’s about determining how we can be refined, how we can change, and how we can grow. Not all the posts will be as long as this one (hooray!). And don’t worry- this isn’t a diary. That being said, it’s going to get personal (how can it not?). I’m just a J, living in a P’s world, looking for a way to live in the space in between. So please journey with me, talk with me, and challenge me.